When You Were Just About To Give Up On Love

R and K

Admittedly, I am not the greatest proponent of love these days. 

I’m nearly always the first to point out the romantic song by the debonaire man, was indeed written by a woman. That’s never been married. 

Never fearing to ask inopportune questions like: Shouldn’t we have more humble wedding ceremonies to get married? …And save the lavish celebrations for when we have fought insurmountable odds to stay married? Arguing that the day we look to our spouse and realize, Holy crap. We’re still married. is the ideal time to throw a party and spend exorbitant amounts of money to have people toast our union – With alcohol nonetheless!

Yep. I am that person.

Jaded and crushed, with a knack for making people uncomfortable with my (many) observations about love, and a heart – and a marriage – that has been shaken to the core. You can find me sitting in the back half of any wedding ceremony, bowing my head in heartfelt prayer for the lovely couple exchanging their vows like I did all those years ago…

A prayer they’d be blessed with the marriage I never had: 

An uneventful one.

But I was terribly wrong…

I realized this the night my family and I gathered in our pajamas, around a 70-year-old man telling a story so touching, he had us hanging on every word that he spoke.

They had asked him about his wife. That’s all I knew, because from that point on he trailed off in a flurry of Spanish I couldn’t comprehend.

Yet regardless of the different languages we spoke, it became obvious by the way his eyes danced and by the way he gripped furiously at his heart, that him and I knew the same kind of love:  Intoxicating. Passionate… Heartbreaking.

Later that night my husband helped me piece the story together, and to my surprise I found it more riveting than I imagined.

… How his first wife had suffered a stroke at a young age while singing in church. I recalled how he bellowed the verses of the hymn that night, stopping at the exact place in the song where her health – and their lives – had changed forever.

…How she spent the next 8 days in a coma, stiff as a table, he said. And how each time he spoke to her – each time he leaned in close to whisper his love for her, in no doubt the same somber tone he spoke in that night – how her heart would respond. Literally. On the EKG! How he illustrated the rise and fall of her heart with his finger in the air, and gripped his heart describing the agony of having to let her go…

…How years after she passed, he got a second chance at love with an unlikely woman nearly half his age and living in Colombia, South America. Remembering how his voice livened and his eyes danced, making us laugh as we watched the 70-year-old man transform into that of a dopey young boy when describing the first kiss they shared. 

….But that this love wouldn’t be free of heartache either…

…How for years they were separated from each other, working tirelessly to get her a visa. Only seeing each other three times in the first three years of their marriage!!! Until finally, the day came where she was given permission to come to the U.S.

But there was a catch: He would have to come get her himself, rightthatsecond! Forcing him to put his humble job cleaning movie theaters on the line, and spend the great sum of money (he didn’t have) to drop everything in a moment’s notice to retrieve the woman he loved. How even still, he accepted the risks – traveling great lengths and sacrificing EVERYTHING in his attempt to get his wife back!

That night it was obvious to each of us, the frail man in the corner of the room had fought tirelessly for love …And, that by the grin on his face, He had won!

They’ve been together ever since… my husband concluded. And my heart jumped forgetting for a moment how jaded ‘we’ are these days.

And I realized,

I too, was set in a tragic story of unbearable loss and tireless sacrifice…But that like him, it was a love story nonetheless!

And what I learned that night captivated by the man I could barely understand was,

The love stories most harrowing, catch our attention and captivate our spirit in a way those void of all conflict ever could!

That just like the man who entranced me with the love story he had lived:

- It was in the heartbreaking final breaths of his first love that he learned what so few ever have – that her heart had always responded to the sound of his voice!

- It was in the unbearable miles and years that separated him from his wife, that she came to know the great lengths her husband would travel and the sacrifices he would make in order to fight for her! 

…That oftentimes, it’s amid the desolation the rarest treasures unearth.

Because maybe, just maybe, there is significance to be discovered in our most heart wrenching pangs, an unlikely strength awakened by our deepest sorrows. Uncharted territory we may never have wandered upon – A story never written had it not been for that wrong turn or the turbulent storm that blew us off course and shook everything we believed to the core.

And that’s when I realized how terribly wrong I had been…

The greatest gift in marriage would NOT be an uneventful one, free of all struggle and tragedy; but a marriage that has lived a love story worth telling!

A marriage that has basked in the grandeur of the uttermost heights, and who’ve crawled relentlessly on their hands and knees to get there. Whose eyes have danced in love’s intoxication, and who have gripped their heart in agony at love’s unbearable loss. A love that displays both the scars they earned in battle, and a smile on their face knowing, they won!

A love story worth telling huddled around in our pajamas until the sun comes up. For generations and generations. No matter the language. 

A love story so harrowing, it catches the attention and captivates the spirit, of even those like me -

…Who were just about to give up on love.

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The Terrible Lie

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I hope you all had a MARVELOUS Thanksgiving!  We did!  We went down to North Carolina to stay with David’s sister and her family.  It was so much fun catching up with them, seeing our kids play together, and cooking Thanksgiving dinner!

I love Thanksgiving because of all the family, the warmth, the cozy.  Even more so, though, I think I like it because it’s a foreshadowing that Christmas is coming next.  Christmas.  Christmas is coming!  Hope is rising.  Anticipation is growing.  Something great is coming!

I love Christmas because it is HOPE here with us.  It is celebrating the greatest most extravagant gift of all time.  Being a mother now, I cannot fathom giving up my only child for anyone– let alone people who would despise her.  No way.  Not happening.  Maya is a slice of heaven to me.  How He did it– I have yet to understand it.

And yet, He did– for us.  For me.  For you.

Even though we have this incredible gift, there is a lie that lives in the deepest parts of our hearts.

Does He love me?

Have you believed the terrible lie?

I believe this horrible lie all the time.  Even being a kid who grew up in the faith, I really struggle with believing I he LOVES me not because of what I’ve done but because of who HE IS.  I believe the lie that “lives in every human heart, whispering to every one of God’s children… “God doesn’t love me.”” (The Jesus Storybook Bible, p.30)

Reading this story in the Jesus Storybook Bible with my little babe before nap time, I was again captured at the simplicity and extravagance (how can such extravagance be so simple?!) of God’s love and the sneakiness of the serpent’s lie.  It’s an awful lie.  Christmas reminds me that hope is HERE with us, the mystery of Christ IN us, and the love of God FOR us.

The Terrible Lie

Adam and Eve lived happily together in their beautiful new home.  And everything was perfect– for a while.

Until the day when everything went wrong.

God had a horrible enemy.  His name was Satan. Satan had once been the most beautiful angel, but he didn’t want to be just an angel– he wanted to be God.  He grew proud and evil and full of hate, and God had to send him out of heaven.  Satan was seething with anger and looking for a way to hurt God.  He wanted to stop God’s plan, stop this love story, right there.  So he disguised himself as a snake and waited in the garden.

Now, God had given Adam and Eve only one rule:  “Don’t eat the fruit on that tree,” God told them.  “Because if you do, you’ll think you know everything.  You’ll stop trusting me.  And then death and sadness and tears will come.”

(You see, God knew if they ate the fruit, they would think they didn’t need him.  And they would try to make themselves happy without him.  But God knew there was no such thing as happiness without him, and life without him wouldn’t be life at all.)

As soon as the snake saw his chance, he slithered silently up to Eve.  “Does God really love you?” the serpent whispered.  “If he does, why won’t he let you eat the nice, juicy, delicious fruit?  Poor you, perhaps God doesn’t want you to be happy.”

The snake’s words hissed into her ears and sunk down deep into her heart, like poison.  Does God love me?  Eve wondered.  Suddenly she didn’t know anymore.

“Just trust me,” the serpent whispered.  “You don’t need God.  One small taste, that’s all, and you’ll be happier than you could ever dream.”

Eve picked the fruit and ate some.  And Adam ate some, too.

And a terrible lie came into the world.  It would never leave.  It would live on in every human heart, whispering to every human heart, whispering to every one of God’s children:  “God doesn’t love me.”

~~~~~~

You see, sin had come into God’s perfect world.  And it would never leave.  God’s children would always be running away from him and hiding in the dark.  Their hearts would break now, and never work properly again.  God couldn’t let his children live forever, not in such pain, not without him.

In another story, it would all be over and that would have been…  THE END.

~~~~~~

But not in this story.

God loved his children too much to let the story end there.  Even though he knew he would suffer, God had a plan– a magnificent dream.  One day, he would get his children back.  One day, he would make the world their perfect home again.  And one day, he would wipe away every tear from their eyes.

You see, no matter what, in spite of everything, God would love his children– with a never stopping, never giving up, unbreaking, always and forever love.

And though they would forget him, and run from him, deep in their hearts, God’s children would miss him always, and long for him– lost children yearning for their home.

Before they left the garden, God whispered a promise to Adam and Eve:  “It will not always be so!  I will come to rescue you!  And when I do, I’m going to do battle against the snake.  I’ll get rid of the sin and the dark and the sadness you let in here.  I’m coming back fro you!”

And he would.  One day, God himself would come.

~The Jesus Storybook Bible, “The Terrible Lie”

At Christmas, we remember that he did come.  To rescue us.  To battle the snake.  To get rid of sin and darkness and to conquer the lie that seems to penetrate our hearts.  He loves us.  He loves us!

HE LOVES US.

Don’t believe the lie.  When you feel it start to creep in, read this story and hold onto the hope of Christmas.  He’s coming for you and for me, because he truly, faithfully, undoubtedly LOVES US.

***If you’re looking for a great children’s bible, the Jesus Storybook Bible is my favorite.  Check it out on Amazon!***

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On Divorce, Thanksgiving, And Sticky Fingers

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We will be divorced by Thanksgiving.

That wasn’t the answer anyone was expecting. I could tell by the way they squirmed uncomfortably in their seats upon hearing my response, how unbearable it became to maintain eye contact after such candidness…

They had asked what we were doing for Thanksgiving this year, and it was obvious to me that it didn’t matter – If we were still living in New York City by Thanksgiving, our marriage didn’t have a chance.

Life in New York City meant demanding schedules, late nights, and season after season of poor excuses as to why this term would be “unusually busier” than the last… and the last… and the LAST! Each time at the cost of my little family that was already trying desperately to catch our breath.

…But then I learned a lesson about sticky fingers that changed everything!

It was during that same time in NYC when my toddler was running rampant in our apartment, getting her sticky – fruit snack and dried apple juice – laden little fingers on everything she could get her hands on … In her destruction she snatched spatulas, nail clippers, and earrings (one of them of course, to be EXTRA obnoxious!) …She abducted green onions from the counter, books that had been left on my nightstand begging to be read, and one time even, a stick of butter.

When I was just about at the end of my rope, I remember complaining to my mom and giving giving her excuse after excuse as to why I was merely helpless at the hands of her brutality, and this was her response,

“ You’ll see… One day she will get her hands on something of such value, you will realize if it’s important enough to you, you will find a better hiding place.”

 

Her words rang true when just days later, I found the little terror standing front-and-center at her Dora Kitchen making a mirepoix of her loot of mismatched socks, q-tips, the tv remote and MY WEDDING RING!!!  

Horrified, I quickly snatched the band from her possession, “OH NO YOU DIDNT!!! Listen up chick…You can have my spatula, my earrings, my books, but THIS is where I draw the line!!!!” 

I continued to sputter off accusations until they went far beyond what her 3 year old mind could comprehend. And as I held that ring in my hand, and all that it symbolized, I realized what I was saying was true for more than just the sticky fingers of that of my toddler…

… It was true for the demands of New York, for the 60+ hour work weeks that greedily demanded more and MORE from my family, and fiercely sucked the life and delight out of my marriage like a vacuum…

That day I decided, with Dora as my witness, Enough was ENOUGH!

Because my mom was right,

“If something is valuable enough to you, you will protect it AT ALL COSTS.”

 

… That sometimes even, what we value will demand it!

One thing is certain: Had we not learned that, I have no doubt we’d be divorced by Thanksgiving… (And THAT will go down in history as the most humbling sentence I have ever written!)

Thankfully though, that will not be case. On the contrary, we are in the process of rebuilding, often painstakingly brick – by – brick, but rebuilding nonetheless. And yet it has taken our time in New York, and even more LEAVING New York, for us to learn what we value most is our FAMILY, and that we must protect it accordingly.

You see, this Thanksgiving each of us will gather with family and friends, and express gratitude for all that is most dear to us. But realize:

While Thanksgiving is about publicly declaring what we are most grateful for, the other 364 days of the year are about protecting it. Relentlessly!

 

… to protect it from the stickiest fingers both in the maddening toddler form, and in the ruthless demands of every day life!

For us that meant trading the bright lights and excitement of the city, for the breathtaking sunsets, and the downright ordinary of the South.

It took a pay cut, an ego check, and it took smacking the greedy hands of the business world to proclaim that our family was UNTOUCHABLE, and that no amount of money could ever be offered in return for missed holidays and the simple pleasures of tucking your children into bed at night.

And now a word to the Sticky Fingers of this world…

Listen closely: There is a standing reservation in our home for Dinner each night between 6-7. You are more than welcome to come, but what you are NOT welcomed to do is make my family the sacrificial lamb on behalf of your most pressing deadlines or staggering seasons ( …And as a rule, the closer you push dinner to 7 the more likely you will be required to bring a bottle of wine!)

Why? Because FAMILY is what we value. FAMILY is what we will go to great lengths to protect. Relentlessly!

And given the chance that slips your mind, or worse, that you get your sticky fingers on my wedding ring and all that it symbolizes, mark my words: I will cut you.

On that note, Happy Thanksgiving friends!

May we vigorously protect what we are most thankful for, today and always!

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A Bloody Nose, a 3 a.m. wake-up and a Lesson on Fear

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It was a rare Saturday night.  Our dinner plans fell through so we were chillin’ on the homefront, barbecuing in the cold, and enjoying pj’s at dinnertime.  The computers were off.  The tv was silent.  The little three of us sat down with cloth napkins and wine and enjoyed our charred chicken.  It was sweet.  “Fancy” as Maya would call it. :)

After a nice bath, we decided to watch a movie.  It was almost Maya’s bedtime, so we started it thinking she’d go to bed in 15 minutes.  We got it all ready on Netflix and nestled into the couch.

Within the first 5 minutes, someone on screen had a bloody nose and Maya was screaming.  “I don’t like this movie!  Turn it off!  I’m scared!  I don’t like this movie!”

Little did I realize that the bloody nose would affect the rest of my entire evening.

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I scooped Maya up and brought her into her bedroom.  We read her favorites, “Are You My Mother?”, “Fancy Nancy and the Mermaid Ballet”, “Count Yourself to Sleep” and “Winnie the Pooh Tells Time.”  We snuggled and said our prayers.  I laid her down and rejoined the hubs in the other room.

About an hour into the movie, I heard her.  She doesn’t usually wake up at night, but tonight, she was crying.  I went into her room, took her out and held her.  She said she was scared, she wanted me to stay and snuggle her, that she was SCARED.  I knew it was what she’d seen on the television.  I snuggled her on the big bed next to her crib (yes, my 2 year old is still in her crib!) and prayed with her, sang her songs and spoke scripture to her, praying God would cover her heart and mind and give her peace.

We finished the movie and went to bed.  At 3 a.m. I heard crying again.  The same thing, she was scared, she wanted me to stay, to snuggle, to hold her just a little longer.  Psalm 23 came to my mind and I began saying it over to her in her ear, praying God’s love and peace and ownership of her heart and mind.  She finally fell asleep in my arms, and I gently laid her back down in the crib where she slept peacefully the rest of the night.

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I awoke the next morning and couldn’t stop thinking about the fear that had gripped my little girl’s heart the night before.  All over a bloody nose, no less!  But rather than belittle or toss it aside to her innocence, I felt the weight of my own anxiety and fear that has held on to me before convict my heart.  Because, just like her, I have also faced fear and just wanted to be snuggled, for someone to stay, to tell me it will be okay.  Haven’t we all been there? When the fear seems so real, so intense, so threatening?  When we can’t even seem to squelch the irrational thoughts, they penetrate even a little bit further, threatening to steal our very joy?

Yet the same thing that calmed my sweet two year old back to sleep is the same confidence we can put our hope and our confidence in.  God’s word– His unchanging, ever faithful, forever true, timeless truths are what we need to hold onto when fear grips us.  The war between our fear and the One who has already conquered it before it sprouts has already been won.

You are safe, sweet girl.  It’s okay.  I’m here, I’ll stay, you’re okay.

We are safe, friends.  It’s okay.  He’s here, to stay– we are okay!

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
    He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
    he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,[a]
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

Believe It Or Not, God Doesn’t Care

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While there once was space in my life for festive crafts, immaculate tablescapes, and the exchange of small talk over beloved recipes at holiday dinner parties, my mind has been preoccupied with far more pressing issues this year…

Like managing the wave of anxiety that rushes over me when I step into a room of new faces… the overcoming need I feel to BREAK for the bathroom - anywhere! - in order to retreat from the ‘holiday cheer’ and uncontainable joy that seems so distant, almost offensive, to me these days… To sit amongst the Charmin and to weep with abandon all while asking God the most poignant questions, ...What are you doing in my life?!? …Why am I here – both on this Earth, and like a loser, hiding in the bathroom right now?? … And what’s it going to take to put Humpty Dumpty back together yet AGAIN??

So this season, you’ll have to excuse me. While I realize how incredibly thankful you are for the Pumpkin Spice Latte held warm in your hands, those cozy nights spent sitting ‘round a cracking fire, and the crisp autumn walks you share with your loved ones in tow- MY gratitude lies in only one thing:

When my life is in ruins, and the state of my heart is seemingly unsalvageable, God doesn’t care!

… He fights for me anyway!

This year I am thankful God doesn’t flinch at what I am up against, or cut his losses and deem my life a lost cause – because believe me, He should have! This year, I am filled with gratitude knowing the Lord has never left my side and that He will continue to use my darkest days as a platform to show He is bigger than my most daunting circumstances!

Even better, is the fact this same God is available to you – and He doesn’t care how hopeless of a situation you have found yourself in today!

3 Reasons Your Most Devastating Circumstances Aren’t Worrying God:

1.  He Knew People Would Let You Down  

Growing up my Mom always taught me, “it’s only you and God in the circle…” because the truth is, Every. Single. Person. no matter the relationship built or the bonds forged, has the capacity to let you down. God on the other hand, NEVER will.

In Psalm 118:6-8 it says, “The Lord is for me, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me? The Lord is for me, He will help me… It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in people.”

He knew we would put our hope in people, and even more that they would fumble carelessly with our hearts and let us down in ways we could never have imagined. Yet when we choose to put our trust in Him – and only Him – we have no reason to fear, only reason to wait expectantly for Him to help us.

2. God Has A Plan To Give You Victory Over What Is Threatening To Take You Down

In Isaiah 43 the Lord says, “…For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness, I will create rivers in the dry wastelands…”

God sees the perilous journey ahead of you, He sees what you are up against and promises to make a pathway through the desolate state of your life, and to create rivers in the most ravaged parts of your heart!

I love how David describes his journey through the wilderness and even more, how the Lord rescued Him,

“ … They surrounded and attacked me… But the Lord!

They swarmed around me like bees; they blazed against me like a crackling fire… But the Lord!

My enemies did their best to kill me, BUT THE LORD RESCUED ME. The Lord is my strength and my song. HE has given me victory.Psalm 118:11-14

Swarming problems…unrelenting opposition…unbearable circumstances that ‘blaze against you like a crackling fire…’ those are the stakes God likes to play at! A journey SO perilous, that WHEN He rescues you, you would know with complete certainty it was the Lord who gave you victory – because ONLY He could!

3. God Promises To NEVER Stop Rescuing You  

Joel 5:19 says, “From six disasters He will rescue you; even in the seventh, He will keep you from evil…”

Know this: The Lord isn’t giving up on you anytime soon (…or EVER!) He doesn’t care how bleak your future looks or how many times your marriage, your finances, or your sanity have been on the verge of ‘disaster.’ The Creator of the Heavens and Earth – who effortlessly made a way through the impossible when He parted the Red Sea, and who breathed Jesus back to life – is the same God that is working on your behalf. And you can rest knowing when you place your confidence in Him, He will rescue you time and time again (and that He doesn’t need anyone’s help in doing so!)

So this season be thankful God doesn’t care. He doesn’t care what you are up against, how you got there, who let you down and what you did or did not do to deserve it. He loves you… He sees you… and HE’S NOT DONE until you are standing victorious over your darkest days!

…Now, THAT is something I can be thankful for!  #Holla

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His Artistic Side

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There are moments when I suddenly stop and it hits me.

God’s is one creative genius!

I often think of Him more as a business man rather than a painter or artist, but fall is one of those times I see the other side of Him.

Today was one of those moments that I just couldn’t get over it– while looking around at all the leaves blowing, the sun peeking through the glorious colors of red, orange, yellow, and toast, I couldn’t help but just be in awe.  To think He created all this to bring Himself glory and to allow us to enjoy it along with Him– I was overwhelmed with gratitude.

And then to come home and read these verses below– it was as if I was reading them for the first time.  I love it when His word comes to life and stirs something inside you, giving you something new.  Again, I was overwhelmed with gratitude.  That’s what fall does.  It begs us to think, to thank, to hope.  Just as the leaves and the weather changes, perhaps there’s a change in me that He’s bringing to light too.

Psalm 103

Let all that I am praise the Lord; with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name.

Let all that I am praise thhe Lord; may I never forget the good things he does for me.  He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases.

He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies.

He fills my life with good things.  My youth is renewed like the eagles! (v. 1-5)

The Lord is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.  He will not constantly accuse us, nor remain angry forever. (vs. 8-9)

For his unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.

He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.

The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear Him. (vs. 11-13)

But the Love of the Lord remains forever with those who fear him.  His salvation extends to the children’s children of those who are faithful to his covenant, of those who obey his commandments. (vs. 17-18)

Praise the Lord, everything he has created, everything in all his kingdom.

Let all that I am praise the Lord. (vs. 22)

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The Prayer I Will NEVER Pray Again

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I attempted to stand to my feet but fell to the floor as my knees buckled under the pressure. I grabbed frantically at anything in an attempt to steady myself, until everything suddenly came still.

I surrendered. Placing my head to the floor and holding my knees tight to my chest, I was convinced this was going to kill me

Hands clasped and gripping my heart, I sobbed knowing what no one else knew:

I had asked for this!

Weeks before my heart broke - before my marriage and sanity buckled under the pressure like that of my knees – my husband and I were asked to share our story, to divulge our most private heartache with hundreds and hundreds of complete strangers.

Though I cringed at the thought of how my voice quivers when I’m nervous, my husband knew I’d do it. No questions asked. Sharing our hurts and mistakes were always worth it to us if it meant others could avoid what we had endured early on in our marriage.

But almost as soon as we had raised a hand to volunteer and share with the “class,” the nightmares began.

Each night, I found myself tormented by the same horror…

The outline of my figure, standing high atop a hill, smiling uncomfortably and holding in my hands what I prepared to share on behalf of broken marriages, men chained to secret addictions and the women who stood tirelessly beside them.

Yet as I began to speak, I strained to make out the faces of the people I was speaking to. I searched the crowd for eyes to connect to, but there were none. Only countless faces marred beyond recognition with dirt and blood. I watched in terror as they inched their way along a vast field laden with barbed-wire, I watched as the daggers tore into their flesh, causing them to writhe and scream out in desperation.

I looked on as my most heartfelt words of encouragement echoed to the heavens… unheard by those struggling… seemingly unfit for their agony….

Startled, I would awaken to the most cold-hearted truth: I had forgotten

Though I bear my own scars from my time in the trenches, I had forgotten the misery and desperation that had engraved them into my existence. I had forgotten how it felt to be surrounded by darkness and affliction – and even more, how God had rescued me from it!

So I prayed a prayer I will NEVER pray again,

Remind me.

….and God would, in what seemed to be the cruelest of ways…

By forcing me to hunker down in the trenches. All. Over. Again. – thanks to heartbreaking confessions made on one bitterly cold night, admissions that callously ripped open the wounds of the past, leaving what was left of my heart mangled and gaping… and to my demise, I had asked for it! 

Just hours before I had struggled to find words on behalf of brokenhearted women and shattered marriages, and now I was one… When I begged God to remind me, I could have never imagined He would reply by placing me front-and-center to my own hopelessness set in barbed wire and complete desperation, all while equipping me to find words for those hurting if I so chose to write through the mess.

You see, this hopelessness I have found myself in, is quite literally an answer to prayer – and because it has cost me EVERYTHING – I will do whatever it takes to make sure I NEVER forget again!

If it means I have to publicly scream, question, and beg the Lord to deliver me with every last ounce of fight I have left, I can assure you I will never hesitate to make a scene….

If it means airing my heartache, my faithlessness, and my darkest nights, so that you can see the same loving and all-powerful God is available to you in your’s, than I welcome your curiosity, and even your judgement -

Because I made God a promise to write through the mess,

…and I will be damned if I forget!

* Follow my ‘Journey Through The Barbed Wire’ 

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