If I Could Write You A Letter…

tutu in central park

If I could write you a letter…

I’d start by acknowledging the bitter, cold truth that no matter the strength of the relationship built, nor the good intentions expressed, or even the pinky-promises exchanged, everyone has the capacity to let you down. Everyone! And you can either be anchored in that reality or crippled by it. May you choose to love fearlessly anyway…

I’d tell you that while you’ll spend the first quarter of your life searching tirelessly for the person you’re going to marry, that you will likely spend the rest of it working TWICE as hard to stay married. And upon realizing this, you will likely want to right hook Cinderella to the throat for not telling you such a thing! And believe me, you wouldn’t be the first one…

I’d tell you that no amount of makeup, self-tanner, or fake eyelashes can make you feel worthy enough after a broken heart (and that at best, it will only serve to make a greater mess once the tears flow. And mark my words, they will FLOW!)…

And when they do, remember that even the strong break – but more importantly, that the STRONGER aren’t afraid to admit it! Choosing to be vulnerable in the midst of your brokenness always feels like weakness, but it looks like strength; sword-wielding, courage-blazing, dragon-slaying STRENGTH! So never apologize for the state of your heart…

In the event that one day happiness feels so far from you, when you truly forget what it once felt like to savor the warmth of the sun on your skin, converse effortlessly, belly laugh to the point of keeling over, or wake up with anticipation; just know there will be people along the way who are predestined to remind you that happiness is awaiting you in the future, so long as you “just hang on a little longer,” which you will do rather reluctantly…

And someday you will be glad you listened.

Someday…

But for now, you will sob so hard that you’ll fear your heart might give out. But it won’t… and that will always surprise you. And let’s be honest, on an especially dark day it might even piss you off!

Again those said individuals will remind you that “God will never leave or forsake you” and again you will struggle to believe them. Because while you cry to the point of hyperventilation into the palms of your hands, tears streaming down your face, you will also believe wholeheartedly that God is looking down on you…and that He doesn’t care!

But one day you will come to know that He does.

…only to forget it once again…

Lather, rinse, repeat.

In those moments where God seems like “the Big-Bad-Bully” on the playground who deviously ties the already-untied-shoelaces-of-your-life together so that He can laugh sinisterly as you fall to your face – when you feel beat up, worn down, and rage wells inside you – tell Him! He can handle it. All of it!

He can handle the “HOW DARE YOU’s???” and the “WHERE ARE YOU’s???”  The threats you make and the fists you shake! He hears your most private pleas for the pain to be taken, for the strength needed to endure even just onemoreday, and all those nights you are faced with the (often insurmountable) task of simply falling asleep. So pray honestly. Always!

One day we will all find ourselves at the same place in life – whilst while you are so genuinely happy for others – you are also so so SO debilitatingly sad for yourself. When that day comes just remember your closet is you best friend; it’s always there and will never tell of the countless times it finds you crying in a heap amidst the darkness and the denim in the name of broken dreams and hopeless nights… It also won’t divulge that you secretly aren’t THAAAT happy for others! 😉 

You see, if I could write you a letter for the moment you find yourself slipping farther and farther away…

When you look in the mirror and worry the person looking back at you is becoming less recognizable to the person you once were…

I’d tell you that in time you WILL get through this,

Although you may not feel like it, you WILL stand triumphant over your darkest days.

Because My Love, you are so much stronger than you know…

 

*** A letter of understanding and hope for the day my daughter goes through the kind of heartache I am faced with today. May the Lord comfort her – and all of you – every step of the way, in much of the same way He has always comforted me ***

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“The Meltdown” A Memoir

meltdown

It started around 9am, Just long enough for me to sit down with my cup of coffee and take a deep breath in the name of starting (yet another) day.

… And then it began.

Construction.

Those of you who know me, know that I am truly one of the most chill human beings. Like chill to the point that I don’t even flinch when my wedding was running 45 minutes late, or when my daughter eats potato chips off the pavement in NYC!

… But THIS. This loud drilling outside my window that was literally rattling every sq inch of my apartment had me struggling to hold it together!

I tried to stay calm, and tried with all my might to distract myself …when the drilling was in the living room, I looked at it as a great excuse to get some dishes done in the kitchen… When the drilling followed me into the kitchen, I moved into the bedroom to fold some clothes…

But without fail, the drilling followed me EVERYWHERE!!!!

I held my composure beautifully

… until nap-time!

If you aren’t familiar with this nap-time that I speak of, it’s the mom’s equivalent of ‘Girls Night’ minus the blood orange margaritas and the little black dress! Nap-time is oftentimes a mother’s only time to unwind, to feel human again (if only for a moment) and to simply do whatever the heck she wants! (Can I get an amen?!?!)

However today’s nap-time would be experiencing a ‘remix’ of sorts thanks to the drilling that was going on IN HER ROOM!  And while the ‘original nap-time tune’ was MUCH more to my liking (and may or may not have included watching reruns of Sex and the City and attempting to apply fake eyelashes…)  I embraced it as much as I could muster, and turned on every fan in an attempt to drown out the sound, and brought my daughter into my room to lay down with her.

As if on cue, once my daughter had finally fallen asleep (…and my hand literally felt like it was going to detach from my wrist from rubbing her back for so long…) the drilling began AGAIN!!!

This time

IN

MY

ROOM!!!!

Insert: Full blown meltdown.

It is during that meltdown – and somewhere between thrashing around, and violently punching pillows – that I screamed out in frustration and said these exact words out loud to God…

“WHY ARE YOU PUNISHING ME!?!?!”

As soon as the words left my lips, Him and I both knew I was talking about much more than just construction! The words I said were few, but loaded!

They confronted God head-on asking,

WHERE ARE YOU?

WHY DID YOU ALLOW my heart to be broken? 

I have followed you DEVOTEDLY, I have loved you PASSIONATELY… WHY would a “God of love” allow this to happen to ME?!

Though it was far from pretty, this was the first time (in a long time) that I had spoken directly to God. Like Reeeeeally spoken to Him!

You see, I had said my ‘please’ and ‘thank you’s’ and prayed before asking to pass the salt at dinner… I always bowed my head (without peeking) during church, and have thanked Him endlessly for the apartment He gave me… but even still, I had yet to confront God about the current state of my life – the seemingly irreparable state of my heart!

A little harmless construction was all it took for me to be truly honest with the Lord…

The question is, What’s it going to take for YOU to be honest with the Lord? 

Jesus says, “…Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28-19

Though we may not realize it, our God doesn’t turn away from our heartbreak, our tough questions, and at times our confrontational attitude. On the contrary, He invites it!

He goes even further to say (directly to only me of course, and to my current state of unwind)  …Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your soul.”

Come to me… I will give you rest.

Let me teach you… I can be trusted.

I don’t know about you, but I so badly need rest… and even more, someone I can trust.

And though last week, we may have admirably decided to stop running FROM God, I realized that it’s just as much about running TO Him…

To throw yourself at His feet when life gets ‘noisy’ and problems arise at the most inopportune times. When there seems to be nowhere to escape, and problems seemingly follow you everywhere!

To come to Him, raw, messy, and unedited. Ask the tough questions. Scream. Cry. Demand answers. Punch Pillows, and say things that would get you kicked out of church!

Our God can handle it, ALL of it! No matter how ‘heavy’ the burden!

… And once our heart rate levels out and our voice lowers, (apologize to the pillow…) and let Him teach us.

Let Him teach us to love, to trust, and to pick up the broken pieces once again.

Let His strength take the weight that is crushing your spirit, the burden that each day threatens to tear the little you have left from your grasp. Let Him speak words of ‘gentlesness’ in a world that has unapologetically dealt it’s harshest hand. Let the God who was miraculously raised from the dead, work on your behalf to breathe life into your weary soul, and rebuild all that has been unfairly stripped away.

You see, it’s just as much about not running FROM God, as it is to decide – with every ounce we have left – to run TO Him!

For Our God can be trusted…

So the Lord must wait for you to come to Him so he can show you his love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for his help. -Isaiah 30:18

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From My Weary Heart To Yours

airplane sunrise

I was shaken abruptly from my slumber. Just as quickly, the ‘seatbelt sign’ dinged on and the stewardess postponed  drink orders while the pilot made apologies in advanced for the bumps that lay ahead.

The woman next to me took a deep breath and tightly grasped the arm rest, I could almost hear her thoughts…

… Please Lord, I want to get married! …don’t take me now God! I want to have children!…

I smiled to myself, closed my eyes, and eased into the comfort of my seat. Not because I hadn’t felt the same way before, but because oh, how effective a little turbulence is at weighing the status of our lives.

And while my flight was nearly being jostled into oblivion, I realized…

I just don’t give a damn.

Take me now Lord Jesus!

You see, for the last two weeks that I have been MIA since writing ‘This Weary Heart of Mine,” I have started (and given up on) over 6 self-help books. I have also avoided exactly 11 phone calls, and avoided nearly the equivalent in panic attacks.

I have cried myself to sleep, raised my voice in a restaurant (Once again!) and have used my ‘labor breathing techniques’ to physically resist the urge to punch someone in the face.

I am numb, I am heartbroken, and I deeply regret the two strong margaritas that unfortunately did little more than give me a headache and give my husband a piece of my mind (further explaining the said “raised voice in a restaurant”) 

And the truth is, I am in a dark place.

So dark even, that in my insecurity I have wondered if I am too far out of God’s reach. If it’s even humanly possible to be as small as I feel, and if because of it, the Lord is unable to see me in my desperation. If this pain, caused by the hands of another, is the final blow that will have me ushered out of the ring never to return the same again…

But then I remember you, our beloved readers. Those of you all over the world, that have shared with us your stories, your heartbreak, and expressed your deepest yearning for miraculous healing over your most secret struggles.

I know if there was a base you could run to where you would finally be “safe,” that though you are terribly exhausted and out of breath, you would get there as fast as you possibly could!

If there was a debt you could pay to make it all disappear, I know you would pay it no matter the cost!

Even if it meant you’d be given only the smallest of guarantees, I know it would be enough for you to hang in there just a little longer…

But alas! It is out of your hands, and out of your control. You are up against a wall, in over you head, and with such dire circumstances looming that you aren’t sure how – or if – you will ever make it through.

I am with you…

Heartbroken,

hopeless,

and mad as hell!

… And I need Jesus more than ever.

And after two long weeks I am ready to put down the ‘Ben and Jerry’s’… and write. What exactly? I am not sure.

But with vulnerability as my voice, and God as my strength I will see this storm through.

I will fight to remind myself that even when I feel so far from God, that He is NEAR to my broken heart. (Psalm 34:18)

That when it seems my greatest plans have derailed and cliff dived into a horrific nightmare, that His – even greater plans for me – are PERFECT (Psalm 18:30)

That when my troubles are mounting, my life is crumbling, and there seems to be no hope in sight, that My God will not only meet me there in the shambles, but will OVERCOME the impossible! (John 16:33)

Dear weary readers,

There is no denying the very real war that is being waged over our souls! And yet, there also is no denying the strength of the God we serve!

I love how Perry Noble puts it when he says,  “…He is a grave-robbing, water-walking, miracle-working, death-defying God, so NEVER give up! He’s about to blow your flippin’ mind!”

All that to say, may the Lord “Blow our flipping’ minds!” … ideally, before we lose them! 🙂

***And in the case that you can’t get past the fact that I cursed…

Feel free to check back here the moment the turbulence doesn’t faze you…

We will get along much better then! 😉

Krista Signature

This Weary Heart Of Mine

krista and gia

This Valentines Day, I watched while you indulged in gourmet chocolates from a tulle wrapped box, and how surprised you were when a beautiful bouquet was awaiting you on the counter… I saw the sweet valentines that are still covering your refrigerator, and the dishes you ordered from your favorite restaurant…

But that’s not what Valentines Day had in store for me this year…

My Valentines day left me blind-sighted and broken-hearted.

BUT before you decide not to read another word of my sob story, and before you come to your senses and realize your time could be better spent reading someone else’s (far more eloquent) words… I wanted to share with you something God brought to light about this weary heart of mine.

It started when I awoke to hear my daughter whimpering in her bed. When like any parent, I instinctively made my way to her side only to find that her sheets were sopping wet around her. Still groggy and disoriented, I can remember sweeping her up in my arms and making my way to the bathroom to get her cleaned up.

Moments later, after her cries had settled and her flailing limbs were wrapped in the warmth of a towel, I held her close and whispered the sincerest apology – knowing full well that both of us were opposed to baths before sunrise, and before the coffee had been brewed!

It was around that time that I fully expected my usually rambunctious toddler, to break from my arms – NAKED and running towards the living room squealing in delight at the thought of her triumphant escape!

… But she didn’t. Willingly she would stay, wrapped in my arms, the weight of her head resting deliberately on my chest.

Alarmed, I held my palm to her forehead checking for a temperature… she never flinch.

When it became apparent what she was doing the tears instantly welled in my eyes! My precious little girl was listening attentively to the sound of my heartbeat! Likely for the first time since she was born!

I studied her as she listened and saw the familiarity the sound of my heart brought, the comfort she found in its unending rhythm, how captivated she was by it’s strength...

… STRENGTH?! How could that be? My heart was weak and shaken – a far cry from the strength it possessed all those years ago!

But as I watched her listen intently to each beat I realized, not only was she the only person who truly knew the sound of my heart, but that to her, it was still as recognizably strong as ever! Even after all this time, and even amidst my current brokenness!

As I held her head close to that weary heart of mine, there was no resisting the tears that swept down my cheeks…

I was overwhelmed with gratitude knowing that My heart … MY GOD had never failed me!

Overwhelmed knowing that even when our hearts are crushed and our spirits are most feeble, that there will always be a part of us, up until our very last breath, that will remain strangely strong! That even when we feel we can’t endure any longer, that there will always be something alive and thriving deep within us, even still.

Like a soothing lullaby from our Creator, each beat makes sweet promises that if He was able to preserve our heart through the pain of the past, that He will indeed sustain it through the paralyzing uncertainty and fear of the future.

While the cruelest hand the world can deal may succeed in taking every material thing I have worked so hard for… while it may unapologetically and cold-heartedly tear the ones I love from my grasp, and crush every dream that I have fought so courageously for…

There is NO denying

the enduring power,

and undoubtable strength,

of this ever weary heart of mine!

“Come to Me with all your weaknesses: physical, emotional, and spiritual. Rest in the comfort of My Presence, remembering that nothing is impossible with Me.” Luke 1:37

“When anxiety attempts to wedge its way into your thoughts, remind yourself that I am your Shepherd. The bottom line is that I am taking care of you; therefore, you needn’t be afraid of anything. Rather than trying to maintain control over your life, abandon yourself to My will. Though this may feel frightening—even dangerous, the safest place to be is in My will” Ps 32:1-4

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We Must Remember The Storm

Of all my most cherished photographs there is one that stands out.

There are pictures illustrating wedding day jitters, and another portraying a perfectly wrinkled newborn smirking in her sleep. There is one that captures the rare occurrence of me and my siblings embracing, and another of my daughter warily taking her first steps.

And then there is the picture I hold closest to my heart…

a picture of when I had nearly given up.

storm

The summer sun illuminating the smile I had purposefully painted on my face doesn’t fool me. At the exact time this picture was taken my husband had been sleeping on the couch for weeks, and the broken promises within our marriage easily outnumbered the wedding gifts we had received just two years earlier! We had run out of things to say and even worse, reasons to keep trying to make it work!

…And it was going to get worse!

At the time this picture was taken, I could have never known that there were more lies bubbling to the surface, more fits of tears in store (that were oftentimes so intense, I questioned whether my heart would physically give out) And even more difficult for me to admit, a bout of depression that would have me questioning whether I could endure any longer.

The picture that holds the most significance to me is one taken amidst a raging storm in my life. A storm that pains me to remember, but I am hard-pressed to never forget!

A storm much like what was described in the Bible…

“The waters of the flood came and covered the Earth…

All the underground waters erupted from the Earth and the rain fell in mighty torrents from the sky…

The rain continued to fall…

The floodwaters grew deeper…

As the waters rose higher and higher above the ground, the boat floated safely on the surface.”  

Genesis 7:10-12, 17-18

This violent storm that the Bible is referring to is the flood, and from the sound of its enormity it sounds much like the ’emotional storms’ I have found myself in!

…When bad luck seemed to fall ‘ in mighty torrents from the sky’…when my seemingly happy existence ‘erupted’ into something barely recognizable …When my trials got deeper… and deeper… and each new wave of trouble threatened to overtake me….

Yet, the Lord kept me safe.

After all I am here to tell you about it, aren’t I?

God tells us that our lives will be full of many seasons, “planting and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night…” but in Genesis 9:11 He clearly says, “… never again will all life be destroyed by the waters of a flood.”

God made a promise to the world (via a rainbow) that He would never again destroy all life, and that picture of me smack-dab in the middle of my heartache proves He never did!

Even so, my heart will always break for the girl in that picture. When I look into her eyes I will always feel pressed to tell her there’s no need to disguise her pain because I know she cries every night in a heap in the closet. Oh, how I wish I could remind her that when she screams out in frustration like a raging lunatic, it’s not a direct reflection of how ‘awful she is’ but how hurt she has been!’

… And that no matter how unfair a hand life has dealt her if she can withstand the storm  just a little longer, the storm will settle ‘and she will not be destroyed!

Our God promises a life of varied seasons, so we can be certain that at times it is going to rain! Likely even that it will POUR!

But even when life seems most bleak… we will not be destroyed!

Even when we feel most weary… we will not succumb!

Because In God’s hands we will ‘float safely on the surface’ of every storm that comes our way!

Oftentimes it takes staring deep into the heartache of our past, to speak directly to the fear that is overwhelming us in the present. So this week: find a picture of yourself in the midst of the most turbulent storm in your life, and remind yourself that our God will overcome!

He did it before, He will do it again! ( and again!)

“[God] calmed the storm to a whisper and stilled the waves.” Psalm 107:29Krista Signature

If 2013 Broke Your Heart…

We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it… 2 Corinthians 1:8

image

Each Christmas, my husband and I search the city over, in pursuit of an ornament that best represents the last year of our lives.

Our Christmas tree tells ‘our story’, displaying the likes of seashells from tropical getaways, an antique bassinet in soft hue’s of pink, and an ornament in the shape of a Chinese takeout box symbolizing our first year of our marriage (and more specifically, the frequent calls made to Choi’s Chinese Food, thanks to my many failed attempts at making dinner each night!) 

…and then there is a margarita glass.

One margarita-shaped ornament, that represents to us one of the most difficult years we endured. A year marked with heartbreaking tragedy, of death, of malicious lies, and cold-hearted betrayals… and the need for counseling and the occasional STRONG margarita!

I can still remember to my shock and bewilderment, when that same year was publicly declared as the “BEST. YEAR. EVER!!!” by all of my Facebook friends…

The very year that had left me broken!

New Years Eve was a blur, as I struggled to hold back tears as the ball dropped, and while all of my closest friends cheered and embraced each other somewhere in the background. I can remember struggling to pinpoint whether the tears were welling because I was so relieved to see that year pass… or because deep within, I knew that I would not be able to withstand another year of the same devastating magnitude….

Even more, fearing that I would have to!

But when it comes to sheer magnitude, it is In Isaiah 43:16, that the Lord reminds us that He did the impossible and made an escape for His people through the expanse of the Red Sea! By doing so, He reminds us also, that no matter the magnitude of the trials we are up against this year, that He has got it covered! (After all, the Red Sea was a HUGE problem for the Israelites! Roughly 1400 miles long, 220 miles wide, and 1600 feet deep if you want to be exact!)

But God doesn’t stop there! He goes on to say this…

” Forget all that – It is NOTHING compared to what I am going to do! For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland… so my people can be refreshed.”

Carving a pathway through the Red Sea, is arguably, one of the greatest things God has ever done! And yet, He is saying, “that is NOTHING compared to what I can do in your life!”

But just over a year ago, with a bout of rejection under my belt, a tragedy that had me gritting my teeth and bracing for what was next, and feeling emotionally ‘pushed to the limit’ just by having to get out of bed each morning, and paint on the fake smile needed to appease everyone around me, I can recall struggling to believe that I too, was worthy of this level of blessing in my life!

But as I packed up the last of the Christmas decorations this last week; reminiscing about the significance of each year’s ornament, and tucking each one safely away in its place, I came to my beloved margarita glass. And I smiled…

Because what I had failed to see the very first time I nestled my new ornament into the glow of our Christmas tree just a year ago, was that in that very moment, God was working to do something ‘new’ in my life! That the piece of glass hanging from the branch in the shape of an alcoholic beverage – which once, only humorously symbolized the turbulence of the previous year – now serves as a constant reminder of the overwhelming blessings we could have never known He had in store for us in the year to come!

I imagine God must have snickered to himself, when I asked Him with bated breath, to merely ‘survive’ that next year, knowing that in the very moment I made my request, that He was already beautifully orchestrating – not only the provision of all my needs – but outlining a journey that would make some of our greatest dreams as a family come to fruition!

Since then, He has traded what was left of my hollow existence, with a life overflowing with excitement! He has restored my family… my heart… and my laughter…. and replaced my broken spirit with a strength that I never knew resided within me!

I love how Beth Moore puts it when she says, “If Jesus gives us a task or assigns us to a difficult season, every ounce of our experience is meant for our instruction and completion, if only we’ll let Him finish the work. I fear, however, that we are so attention deficit that we settle for bearable when beauty is just around the corner!”

No matter how badly broken 2013 has left you, our God is a god who seeks to refresh. And He is not finished! He promises to make a pathway through the lifeless deserts you may have found yourself in, and provide a way out of the most trying circumstances you are up against. No matter the depth, He will be our guide through the raging sea that is currently standing in the way of the life we most desire.

And The Lord will do something ‘new’ in our lives…

Something more miraculous than anything He has ever done before!

We need only to take a look around, and wait expectantly for the beauty of it to unfold!

We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it… but as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to only rely on God…we have placed our confidence in Him and He will continue to rescue us. 

2 Corinthians 1:8-10

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To: The Haters

image

I wanted to be Nicole Thompson.  I envied her long blonde locks, and the perfection that was her handwriting.  I can still remember how she munched awkwardly on her apple at snack time; avoiding getting pieces of fruit lodged in her braces. I pleaded with my mom to pack me an apple for snack time too, and every day, attempted to eat mine in the same fashion.

I was her best friend.

The only problem was, so was Emily!

Nicole often enjoyed pitting me and Emily against each other; taunting us with the most miniscule reasons why she was going to play with one of us, and not the other…

“I like Emily’s shoes, so today I’m going to play with her on the monkey bars instead of you!” she would say, leaving me alone to drag my feet in the bark, and contemplate what was so wrong with my shoes.

Hater.

Many years later, and after I had just recently gotten married, the first couple I –  so nervously – invited over for dinner, spent the first few bites of the meal I had made , bickering back and forth about whether the pasta she makes was better than the one I had made!

She savored another bite, and then looked to her husband. Both of them nodded in agreement. Her’s was most definitely better, it seemed.

Mine was ‘missing a little something’ she would go on to say, resting her fork on her plate and graciously asking my husband to pass the bread.

cough* Hater.

Around this very time last year I posted a request for prayer on Facebook; specifically for me and my extended family in a time of great need.

I had someone contact me privately and tell me how inappropriate it was for a Pastor’s family to reach out for prayer like that.

hmmm….

Hater.

Whispers then began to circulate; speculation spread about why I had asked for prayer in the first place, and our moment of desperation as a family was met with a wealth of malicious rumors and lies!

Months later and completely unrelated to my plea for prayer, my husband got a job in New York, and we were surprised to find that our decision to be obedient and follow God where He had called us, was met with unwelcome opinions openly declaring that we were making a huge mistake!

Some even laughed, as if to say God wanting us in Manhattan was a joke…

Many others, wouldn’t even say goodbye.

Haters. Haters. Haters. 

Now I know from the title of this post, it would be easy to assume that I will be addressing those haters, and no doubt use verses like “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths”, or how “a dishonest man spreads strife”  in an attempt to put those haters in their place…

but that’s for another time!

It’s much more valuable instead, to address the nature of the Lord in situations like these.

Because around that time last year, when I found myself overwhelmed with grief and betrayal, I also found myself captivated by a verse; a verse that as a lifelong Pastor’s kid, I had never heard before.

And I will restore to you, the years the locusts have eaten…

Joel 2:25

This verse spoke straight into my current heartache, and every hurt proceeding it.

Because not only was God accepting the fact that there will be times in life where swarms of locusts will come – devastating our crops and stripping them of all life! He promises even then, to restore them!

He promises to restore us!

How long have ‘haters’ (aka locusts) been cutting down everything you have worked so hard for? Eating their fill of everything you have labored endlessly to protect, the very crops that we have spent our entire lives tending to -the very person we have worked so hard to become!

Locusts, leave us feeling defeated, and lifeless; laughing in our face, and spreading cold hearted lies, until they move on to the next crop that they want to destroy.

imageJust last week I traveled back home, and met these feelings head-on when past hurts and betrayals all came flooding back!

Especially when upon returning, I noticed a few people still shuffling awkwardly to avoid me in the church lobby and struggling to maintain eye contact through half-hearted inquisitions of how my husband and I were adjusting to our new life in the city.

Locusts…

I was discouraged – but only for a quarter of a moment! Because just as quickly as the pain of rejection was felt, I could hear the Lord’s still strong voice reminding me, that even without the ‘blessing’ of others, that I am indeed still a blessed person in spite of it!

How thankful I am that the Lord doesn’t rely on majority rule to determine the level of blessing He will put on my life! That He wont withhold His blessing just because others have! 

He is bigger than the people bringing you down!

And He will see us through our hurts, and bring us back to a place of immeasurable blessing!

Just as Jesus who was beaten beyond recognition and who looked to be defeated on the cross, had come to life again just 3 days later – so can we rest in the fact, that the same power that brought His spirit back to life, is at work to do the same on our behalf!

During my trip back home –  just as my past heartache came back – so also did my eyes open to the Lord’s amazing power of restoration in my life!

The flood of people who have seemed to leave my father’s church in a frenzy, have now given way to a crowd of others who have found their place amongst the same seats; finding Christ come alive, awakening their souls and calling them to life change, just like the previous people had! 

The same friends who walked with me through the darkest of days last year; meeting me for coffee at random hours of the night and holding me as I cried, can now chat about more light hearted topics, such as mice eating brownies off my counter and Tom Selleck sightings!

And in just a year, the family that I requested be lifted up in prayer, has now taken giant strides – with or without the prayers of others – thanks to the Lord’s unfailing love and restoring power!

No more hiding behind fake smiles, of past hurts. No more shielding ourselves from the extreme ill will of others. Instead, we laughed over banana waffles, and participated in group hugs until everyone screamed out in frustration. I went on a lunch date with my dad and went shopping with my mom, and made nearly every effort I could to embarrass my little brothers.

Sweet restoration!

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And Just like the emerging blossoms from a tree after a barren and bitterly cold winter,

Or a loved ones embrace after too many months and miles have seperated you.

Like a heartfelt apology that mends the deepest wounds,

And the first laugh after a season of sorrow,

So is the restoring power of Christ

Available to each of us!

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace… will Himself, restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

1 Peter 5:10

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*** And to all the Haters: Quit being a locust. It’s not a flattering look on you!