So You Think God Is Wrong?

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My eyes open to the sound of my toddler stirring in her bed. I close my eyes again and picture her stretching her limbs to get ready for the day. Oh no you don’t!  I fling the weight of the covers off of myself and hastily make for the door.  Over piles of laundry – against any obstacle – I make my way around the bed. I stop suddenly when in sight of her crib, and at the risk of her seeing me, I army crawl my way along the cold wood floors towards my only chance of even the slightest motivation for the day- my coffee!

It’s funny because I have never been much of a coffee drinker.

I made it through college, and worked for years at schools – where it could be argued that coffee was more key to survival than air itself! I even made it though my daughter’s first year of life without ever having as much as a sip of the good stuff!

So why do you ask, have I finally given in to the madness?

Toddlerhood.

It’s kicking my butt and it’s not letting up, no matter how loud I plead “Mercy!”

The plus side of my daughter’s new developmental stage however, is that we have been able to immerse her into an abundance of worship music lately. (I like how when I say that it makes me sound suuuuuper spiritual, when in reality it’s just proven to be the best way to drown out the tantrums!) It’s genius really – allowing you to be both in a constant state of worship while encouraging you to lower your escalating heart rate as your child screams bloody murder in the background!

And so it’s no surprise that after a week full of ‘the need for worship music’ (if you get my drift) that I found myself bolting for the kitchen every morning – in hopes of even just a mere 15 minutes – where, with coffee in hand, I could be alone in my thoughts.

With each sip, my thoughts would turn to daydreams….

Daydreaming back to the days when I had the time to do my hair and when the wind, or incoming subway, wasn’t always threatening to mess it up…

Relishing in the happiest of memories I shared with all of my pumps – who are now uniformly lined up in my closet with no hopes of ever being worn again…

Then after a few moments on Facebook – and after seeing all the beautiful babies being born – I would then begin mourning the baby my daughter wasn’t anymore.

Wishing for a laundry basket full of little onesies in every color of the rainbow, and the feeling of having a sleeping baby nuzzled in my neck, legs curled up under their bums… For a moment, I even missed the newborn cry (but it didn’t take long for me to come to my senses about that one!)

I swear though, while enjoying my coffee just a day later, my daydreams would be about the exact opposite!

Looking forward to the day that with a little more age, my daughter would be more self sufficient!

When maybe she could help me clean up or at least carry her weight (like literally, and preferably down the subway steps!)

My heart ached also at the reality that I might never experience having another child. Not because we wouldn’t love to, but because our new life in Manhattan doesn’t allow for that… comfortably.

My thoughts then wandered to whether Gia would be socially dysfunctional due to her future solitude as an only child… I then chuckled to myself knowing that according to a large amount of American moms she already will be – considering my decision to get an epidural AND to not breastfeed her as a baby! Which makes me smile because ‘realistically’ then, I have nothing to lose!

As I continued to sip my coffee, I casually flipped through a book and came across this poem which silenced my daydreaming completely.

It was spring, but it was summer I wanted; the warm days and the great outdoors.

It was summer but it was fall I wanted; the colorful leaves and the cool dry air.

It was fall but it was winter I wanted; the beautiful snow and the joy of the holiday season.

It was now winter but it was spring I wanted; the warmth and the blossoming of nature.

I was a child but it was adulthood that I wanted; the freedom and the respect.

I was twenty but it was thirty I wanted; to be mature and sophisticated.

I was middle-aged but it was twenty I wanted; the youth and the free spirit.

I was retired but it was middle-age that I wanted; the presence of mind without limitations.

My life was over but I never got what I wanted.

This poem spoke loud and clear to me.

I mean we all live this way, right? I know I do! I was doing so in the exact moment that I came across it!

We could even continue the poem on to say…

I wanted a fresh start in a new city, but now I miss my friends.
I wanted a job promotion, but now I am working too hard.
I was engaged but then I wanted to be married.
I was married, but I wanted to be a parent.
I wanted to get pregnant 3 months ago, but…
I was a parent of one child, but I wanted another…and another.
I had a family, but now I just want some peace and quiet – even better, a hot date!

I realized that what I had originally entertained as ‘harmless daydreaming’ was not that at all… My heart was directly in the center of a raging battle of discontentment!

I had restlessly been longing for something else, something better – only further proving that my daughter wasn’t enough just the way she is.

Even worse, proving that God – who in all His mighty power was able to create the heavens and the Earth – was somehow wrong in the way He designed my life!

I knew in my heart that I didn’t believe that to be true…

I thought back to Psalm 18:30, which is a verse that has been penned countless times on the palm of my hand in an attempt to get me through some of my most difficult days. Its profoundness lies also in its simplicity.

 God’s way is perfect…

The word ‘perfect’ is undeniable!

And because of it, we can rest in the truth that when God calls you somewhere, or to do something, that you are in His PERFECT plan for your life!

Still, I found myself perplexed as I pondered this verse over and over in my head…

If I know I am within God’s perfect plan for my life, why does my heart still feel so restless, even unhappy at times?

I decided to take a look at that verse more closely.

I was surprised to find that over the years, there was a part I had missed entirely!

God’s way is perfect….He is a shield for all those who take refuge in Him.

The key to finding contentment in our current circumstances is as much about believing that God’s plan for our lives is perfect in its entirety, just as much as it is knowing that the Lord is available to be our greatest source of comfort – a place where our hearts can find what they so desperately need to be made whole again!

He can be… that is, “For all those who take refuge in Him”

This verse requires action. And it is our choice where – or whom – we find our refuge.

I pictured myself earlier that morning…
Realizing then that I needed to choose to run to Him – in that same desperate way at times – and throw myself at the foot of the cross, and not just the coffee pot.

Our hearts have failed in an attempt to find refuge in many other things as well. As women we have looked for it in our significant other – or lack thereof – falsely believing that true contentment will be found when someone “puts a ring on it” if you will…

In boredom, we have turned to Facebook, but then are surprised when our discontentment escalates as we begin comparing our happiness and successes to that of our friends…

On Pinterest, we have made ourselves believe that a bigger house, a vacation to go zip-lining in the Swiss Alps, making our own laundry detergent, or incorporating the’ Victoria Secret Angels work out’ is going to bring greater significance to our lives…

We could have the perfect career, have gotten married to someone far out of our league, had a family, bought the house and have all the pictures hung, and yet even still, we will be restless and longing for more!

The truth is, I have no doubt that even when I am in the ‘sweet spot’ of God’s perfect plan for my life, that even then the Lord will keep me a little less fulfilled than I would most desire – whether in my marriage, in my confidence as a parent, and in any life circumstance that comes my way – Always withholding a little of what I believe I so desperately need at the time, in an attempt to keep me in a constant awareness of my ultimate need for Him, and only Him!

As I leave you today, I would ask you to search your heart for what it is that you have aimlessly attempted to take refuge in? What is it that has hindered you from embracing the perfect way God has laid out for you?

I pray that God would help us to savor the season of life we find ourselves in – even if they are chalk full of tantrums and chaos- laden mornings!

I can promise you this: Living God’s way doesn’t always mean you will get whatever you want…
But I can assure you that you will indeed, always have everything that you need!

Krista Signature

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Dear NYC Mommy

I know I promised “glitz and glamour” for this week’s post…

And I swear to you that I indeed had every intention of delivering and telling you all about how Madonna and Ricky Martin are my neighbors ( or something like that 🙂 )

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But then I got inspired by something entirely different.

Adapting to life in New York City has proven to be quite an enormous adjustment, but becoming a ‘Manhattan mom’ has no doubt been the single hardest part of my entire journey.

And since the Mother’s Day flowers have long since wilted and the handmade cards are now stashed away, I want to use this post to empower some of the strongest mom’s that I have ever had the chance to meet.

Dear NYC Mommy,

In one of the hardest working areas of our country, remind yourself that when your husband works crazy hours: you also work just as hard in an attempt to raise a grounded family in the Big City.

Manhattan moms are often a bona fide single mom 5-6 days out of the week and because of that you are so much stronger than you realize!

That incredible strength that you possess is such a pivotal part of what holds your family together. Always give yourself an immense amount of credit for that!

And because of how hard you work don’t feel guilty if you ever find yourself – even if only for a moment – envying a nanny…

Either because she is dressed waaaaaay the heck better than you, or because she is getting paid top dollar to do what you do for free…

…Not just 5 days a week (like her), but 7 days a week…

…EVERY week…

…For what feels like might be the rest of your existence!

Or maybe…

(whispering)

It’s because you have actually entertained the thought of what it might be like to HAVE a nanny…

GASP!

For. Even. Just. One. Flippin. Hour!

Don’t worry, it happens to the best of us. You can rest assured that you will soon come to your senses and realize just how lucky you are to be there for every giggle, cuddle… and maybe even every tantrum.

Maaaaaybe. But if we are completely honest, probably not.

Please also realize, that you absolutely must not compare yourself to suburban mommies on Facebook and Pinterest. It’s not a fair comparison.

Let’s be real, their laundry rooms are the size of our living rooms! And the reason they have more kids than us is because they don’t have to physically wear them on their bodies for longer than the 9 months they are in the womb, while you physically wear your’s in the Ergo until they max out the weight limit (45lbs baby!)

Case in point.

Case in point. Minus the smile.

And when it comes to food, don’t stress endlessly about making your family a gourmet and nutritious meal every night. When for you, it means having to lug every grocery bag from the store up to your apartment, only to risk the stove heating up your entire home to the point that your chocolate chips are melting in the cabinet and your eyebrows are perspiring!!

Embrace the takeout menu’s on your fridge and tell Pinterest to shove those unnecessary expectations you know where!

And of course while living in one of the fashion capitals of the world, we too often may find ourselves walking up and down Madison Avenue peering into the windows at some of the most glorious (and probably most expensive) pumps we have ever laid our eyes on.

While we will always be limited to flats – even on a date night…

Unless we are feeling SUPER courageous and opt for a wedge. Which we will know is a little ambitious so we secretly tuck a back-up pair in our purse. Just in case.

But I can assure you, flats don’t make you any less glamorous!

I know many suburban mommies that would KILL for the calf muscles you’ve acquired over the years walking up and down (…and up… and down…) those subway stairs.

So rock those instead!

And seriously, I swear to the Lord Almighty if one more of you tells me how you don’t work out! (insert overly dramatic sigh)

Believe me, you put in more man power and burn more calories bumping a stroller up and down the subway steps or by carrying your diaper bag, a gallon of milk, and your flailing toddler up a flight of stairs, than most people do on the elliptical 5 times a week!

You are a beast…

Own it!

And lastly, realize that while we are unable to give our kids the latest and greatest toys (due to the lack of space needed to house all that madness!) we must remind ourselves that instead of toys, we give our children experiences.

In Times Square with Daddy

In TImes Square with daddy

Charming people on the subway

Charming people on the subway

Picnic with mommy in Central Park

picnic with mommy in Central Park

If they want a toy that lights up in every color of the rainbow, we can take them to bask in the bright lights of Times Square.

If it’s music they want, then it’s a simple as stepping off the subway and listening to any of the given talented street performers – or maybe even Michael Buble’ if they are reeeeally lucky – who are entertaining the masses on the subway platform.

And God forbid they want to do a craft…

In that case, just talk some sense into them and take them to Central Park to play with Sarah Jessica Parker’s kids.

I don’t know about you, but I absolutely cannot risk getting glitter and glue in my apartment! 😉

New York City Mommy, what you do day in and day out is not for the faint of heart. What’s new and so often overwhelming to me, you have skillfully mastered. Watching you helps me realize that in time I will soon possess the strength that you have, and maybe even find myself someday providing the same amount of wisdom to someone else, that you have so greatly provided to me!

I sincerely have the utmost respect for you,

Krista Signature