If I Could Write You A Letter…

If I could write you a letter…

I’d start by acknowledging the bitter, cold truth that no matter the strength of the relationship built, nor the good intentions expressed, or even the pinky-promises exchanged, everyone has the capacity to let you down. Everyone! And you can either be anchored in that reality or crippled by it. May you choose to love fearlessly anyway…

I’d tell you that while you’ll spend the first quarter of your life searching tirelessly for the person you’re going to marry, that you will likely spend the rest of it working TWICE as hard to stay married. And upon realizing this, you will likely want to right hook Cinderella to the throat for not telling you such a thing! And believe me, you wouldn’t be the first one…

I’d tell you that no amount of makeup, self-tanner, or fake eyelashes can make you feel worthy enough after a broken heart (and that at best, it will only serve to make a greater mess once the tears flow. And mark my words, they will FLOW!)…

And when they do, remember that even the strong break – but more importantly, that the STRONGER aren’t afraid to admit it! Choosing to be vulnerable in the midst of your brokenness always feels like weakness, but it looks like strength; sword-wielding, courage-blazing, dragon-slaying STRENGTH! So never apologize for the state of your heart…

In the event that one day happiness feels so far from you, when you truly forget what it once felt like to savor the warmth of the sun on your skin, converse effortlessly, belly laugh to the point of keeling over, or wake up with anticipation; just know there will be people along the way who are predestined to remind you that happiness is awaiting you in the future, so long as you “just hang on a little longer,” which you will do rather reluctantly…

And someday you will be glad you listened.

Someday…

But for now, you will sob so hard that you’ll fear your heart might give out. But it won’t… and that will always surprise you. And let’s be honest, on an especially dark day it might even piss you off!

Again those said individuals will remind you that “God will never leave or forsake you” and again you will struggle to believe them. Because while you cry to the point of hyperventilation into the palms of your hands, tears streaming down your face, you will also believe wholeheartedly that God is looking down on you…and that He doesn’t care!

But one day you will come to know that He does.

…only to forget it once again…

Lather, rinse, repeat.

In those moments where God seems like “the Big-Bad-Bully” on the playground who deviously ties the already-untied-shoelaces-of-your-life together so that He can laugh sinisterly as you fall to your face – when you feel beat up, worn down, and rage wells inside you – tell Him! He can handle it. All of it!

He can handle the “HOW DARE YOU’s???” and the “WHERE ARE YOU’s???”  The threats you make and the fists you shake! He hears your most private pleas for the pain to be taken, for the strength needed to endure even just one…more…day, and all those nights you are faced with the (often insurmountable) task of simply falling asleep. So pray honestly. Always!

One day we will all find ourselves at the same place in life – whilst while you are so genuinely happy for others – you are also so so SO debilitatingly sad for yourself. When that day comes just remember your closet is you best friend; it’s always there and will never tell of the countless times it finds you crying in a heap amidst the darkness and the denim in the name of broken dreams and hopeless nights… It also won’t divulge that you secretly aren’t THAAAT happy for others! 😉 

You see, if I could write you a letter for the moment you find yourself slipping farther and farther away…

When you look in the mirror and worry the person looking back at you is becoming less recognizable to the person you once were…

I’d tell you that in time you WILL get through this,

Although you may not feel like it, you WILL stand triumphant over your darkest days.

Because My Love, you are so much stronger than you know…

 

*** A letter of understanding and hope for the day my daughter goes through the kind of heartache I am faced with today. May the Lord comfort her – and all of you – every step of the way, in much of the same way He has always comforted me ***

5 Seconds Of Encouragement For The Worst Days Of Your Marriage

This one’s worth tucking away for a rainy day…

Because Lord knows, the rain will come!

“The vows are serious. Staggeringly serious. But you did not take them trusting in your own strength to perform. The grace that enabled you to take those vows will be there to draw on when the performance of them seems impossible.”

-Elisabeth Elliot, Let Me Be a Woman

… and that’s all folks! Some things are just so good they don’t need any help.

 

This one’s for the Idiots.

I got to be honest. There are so many things I can’t say right now, so many feelings I can’t fully describe, and so many situations and people who I can’t expose. Even more, so many reasons why I find it absolutely. useless. to write.

But at the chance that there is someone – anyone – who is out there struggling like me to find God amidst the storm they are in, I will sit down and write. It aint gon’ be fancy, and I have little to no intention of editing this to death, I just want to share a straightforward story about how the Lord showed up in the nick of time… and made my jaw drop.

It was a couple of days before my 30 days was up and around the same time the panic started setting in, as I wondered whether God would show up or not and move mountains in my life? I was reading in the book of Luke about a man named Zechariah, who had an angel of the Lord came to him.

The angel began by encouraging Zechariah by saying,“Don’t be afraid, the Lord has heard your prayer…” 

The angel then continued by outlining (if you ask me, a mind-boggling amount) of things that the Lord promised He would do in Zechariah’s life:

– that despite their old age that his wife would become pregnant with a son.

– that his name would be John and he would bring great joy and gladness

– that John could never touch alcohol

– that God would use John in amazing ways (which he went on to describe in detail) and that he would possess the same spirit and power of Elijah

-Oh, and his favorite color would be indigo (Not really, I was just making sure you were still paying attention!)

There is no denying the miracle it would be to have an angel of the Lord sent to you! To have the Lord make promises concerning your future! Imagine what fears it could calm… what questions it would answer… the hope it would give to face tomorrow!

But Zechariah’s response?

Buckle your seat belts for this one…

“How can I be sure this will happen?”

What an idiot! I nearly slammed my Bible shut at the thought!

REALLY ZECHARIAH!?!?! A FRIKKIN ANGEL comes to you! FROM GOD! Making promises! BIG PROMISES! …And you whine and question!!?!?! 

What I wouldn’t do to have the same thing happen to me!!! 

At the exact same time a loose sheet of paper fell from the pages of my Bible. Squinting to make out the words, I picked up the familiar list and brought it close enough so I could scan what it is that I wrote.

(Insert: Jaw droppage!)

No way…

it couldn’t be…

But THERE IT WAS!

A list… of all the things God has promised ME in the last 60 days!

A list I had started the day everything fell to pieces and when I’d sworn off all books and well-intentioned advice and DEMANDED to hear directly from Him! A list that clearly states what God said… when He said it… and the verses I found it in!

It reads:

– “I will rescue you, I will fight for you. Just stay calm.”

– “Come to me, I can be trusted”

– “I know you don’t know what to do but I will give you wisdom”

– “I am good and my plan for your life is perfect”

– “Continue praying and never give up!”

And yet in my faithlessness I also respond, “But, but, but… How can I be sure this will happen?” 

…How can I be sure that God will fight my battles? That He will guide my every step? How can I be sure that He is listening to my every prayer and that His plan for my life is perfect? 

And just like Zechariah, I’m an idiot! 

We all are sometimes…

We fail to see on a regular basis is that our God is good even when our circumstances are so very very bad. That He is a God that can be trusted even when no one else around can be. That while it’s true our lives may look like a jumbled mess, and we may not know what to do, that He will always give us the wisdom we need. Even when there is no more fight left…and no more prayers left to pray… that He will fight for us (and He will win!) so long as we never give up!

And those are promises!

So for all the idiots out there like me…

May we rest in the comfort knowing that we need not be afraid, because the Lord has heard our every prayer…

and He WILL do what HE promised! 

“You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what He said” Luke 1:45

 

Will You Notice?

Hopeless. Discouraged. Too far out of God’s reach. Trapped. Bound in chains. No possible way out.

You have screamed, you have cried,  been let down and given up. You have begged for God’s deliverance, and pleaded with him to leave you alone in the same breath.

…But will you notice?

Peter was in the same spot…
Though he had people praying for him day and night, it couldn’t have felt like it! He was imprisoned, and taken captive by the same people who had just murdered his friend. Each of his wrists were fastened with chains, all while guards stood on each side of him watching his every move (There were even guards guarding his guards!)

Peter’s circumstances were the definition of pure and utter hopelessness!

That is, until… “there was a bright light in the cell, and an angel of The Lord stood before Peter and said “quick! Get up!” and the chains fell off…“Acts 12:7

Surely Peter noticed! ….Certainly he saw his miraculous deliverance in action!?!…. The answer to every prayer he cried out to God in the darkness of his cell!?!? …. The very chains that bound him to a complete and utterly hopeless future just falling to his feet!?!

But it says, “…Peter left the cell, following the angel. But at the time he thought it was a vision. He didn’t realize it was actually happening!”

The angel then led him past the first guard post…. The second guard post… And then to the iron gate leading to city -leading to his freedom!

But still, Peter didn’t notice!

Only when the angel had disappeared, and Peter had been completely delivered from his circumstances did he finally come to his senses!

“…It’s really true! The Lord has sent his angel and saved me…”

Duh, Peter. Duh…

But let’s be honest, me and Peter have more in common than I’d like to admit!

I could never have known that today I’d be bound by chains and enveloped in darkness. I had promising plans and ‘happily ever afters’ in store for my future, and absolutely no inclination that the life I loved – the life I had once dreamed of- would seemingly fall apart in a single moment.

Like Peter I have people all over the world fervently on their knees for me. (And god only knows, how many prayers I have cried out to Him myself…)

But like Peter, will I notice my deliverance?

….Will I notice that what rocked my world and broke my heart on a Friday, would have debilitated me forever had I found out just a week later?

….Will I notice that just days after my world came crashing, that I had a previously scheduled trip to go home and be with my family – more specifically, my Mama – the person I needed most at that time!

….Will I notice that while my best friend, my confidant, my soul sister (aka Urban Hallelujah’s finest, R-to the-ACHEL!) moved far FAR away from me just over a year ago, that by some crazy turn of events I would end up moving to the exact same area – all the way across the country, completely unrelated, and just when I would need a shoulder to cry on!

Or will I just chalk that all up to coincidence?

What’s it going to take for me to come to my senses like Peter?

What is it going to take for me to notice God leading me out of my most dire circumstances? His deliverance that doesn’t come a moment too late? His impeccable timing and his life-breathing gifts? The events He puts on the calendar long before I am able to fully comprehend their purpose?

Like Peter, we have prayed fervently, and complied by following The Lord,

…And like Peter, our God WILL save us!

The only question is, will we notice?

When You Fear God Is Done Listening

 

At the exact moment you fear God is done listening to your pleas late into the night…

you read verses like this:

and you pee your pants.

Luke 18:1-8

One day Jesus told his disciples a story to show that they should always pray and never give up. 

“There was a judge in a certain city,” he said, “who neither feared God nor cared about people. A widow of that city came to him repeatedly, saying, ‘Give me justice in this dispute with my enemy.’ The judge ignored her for a while, but finally he said to himself, ‘I don’t fear God or care about people, but this woman is driving me crazy! I’m going to see that she gets justice, because she is wearing me out with her constant requests!”

Then the Lord said, “Learn a lesson from this unjust judge. Even he rendered a just decision in the end. So don’t you think God will surely give justice to his chosen people who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will grant justice to them quickly!” 

So may we continue driving the Lord crazy, er… wearing him out, …I mean, PRAYING this week!

God knows this is SURELY something I can excel at!

 

It’s Not God’s Fault

I enter stage right and take the platform. My heart is pounding, and my hands are clammy. All eyes are on me. As I fumble to adjust the microphone, my eyes lock with yours, and a deep sigh escapes me.

“….How are we doing so far?”

I look out at the audience who were all crazy enough courageous enough to join me in my 30 Day Challenge– A challenge to quit thinking, quit talking, and quit trying to solve our problems! To instead, give it to God and ask him to show up and do a miracle in 30 days!

My eyes catch a group of you who respond to my question by sporadically jumping up and down and whoo-hooing like you are front and center at a Katy Perry concert… If this is you, you already feel God working in your life, and can barely contain your excitement for how He will continue to show up for you throughout this month!

I am with you!

Others of you are somewhere in the back. I can’t make out your faces because you are rocking back and forth in fetal position, and are murmuring things under your breath that I can’t quite make out. You desperately know you need to quit, have courageously decided you were going to quit, but equally question whether its humanly possible… If this is you, you likely know exactly how many more days, hours, and seconds are left of your 30 day challenge (I have 16 days, 11 hours, and 46 seconds!) You have also likely gone to bed before the sun set a handful of times last week, because you realized if you couldn’t talk or think about your problems, than really…what is there left to do?

Deep Sigh. I am with you….

Then there are those of you who are breaking for the doors the second you see me hit the stage. You have already adamantly thrown up your hands and QUIT ‘quitting’ and have yet to decide if you are more mad at me for suggesting such ridiculousness, or at yourself, for in a moment of bad judgment, following suit…. If this is you, then you’d likely come hunt me down if it weren’t for the fact that I live with 8.4 million other people, and the chances you will ever find me are minimal, at best!

I get it, I do. The truth is, I’m kinda ticked at me too!

So I’m with you…

ALL OF YOU!

And have danced between all 3 emotions, over and over! In the last 4 hours!

But no matter where you are at, or what you chose to let go of last week-

You should know,

It’s not Gods fault.

In the last couple months, I have been anything but shy about airing my frustrations with the Lord. In my desperation I have demanded answers, questioned why, and wondered what I could have done to deserve this. If you recall, it was only two weeks ago, that I screamed at God, punched pillows, and made no apologies….

But what I realized this week is that my current reality is not the ‘Divine torture chamber’ that I made it out to be! (Torturous, yes.. Divine, no…) and that the answer to every question I screamed and sobbed into my pillow late all those nights (and of course, before I ‘quit’ all that!) was right there all along…

in James 1:16-17  it says,

“Don’t be misled, my dear brothers and sisters. Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow.”

My most poignant questions had asked God: …Why me? …Where were you? …Why would you do this?

The Lord’s response: You got it all wrong my child… I am good. my plan is perfect. I am the creator of all beauty, and though your circumstances and emotions may change (often abruptly) I never will.

I believe this verse begins with a warning to not be misled, because He expects that some day we will be! That when things go disastrously wrong that He knows we may lash out at Him in response…. That we may demand answers and throw punches…. That we won’t know where to turn or who to blame…

…And that ultimately, we will get it all wrong!

You see, the last couple of days have been a disaster; a barrage of spills, and toys! …Bubbles were dumped on the rug, UNO cards were found in my bed, pennies were eaten, and it seemed like every stuffed animal got a ‘bath!’ (…and yet, now that I think about it, I don’t know if my daughter ever did!)

When I couldn’t bear to step on, yet another Lego, and was one more “uh-oh Mama!” away from losing my – already dwindling – sanity, I made the decision to shut it ALL down! No more tv… no more “shnacks”… and FREAKIN. NO. MORE. TOYS!!!!

To be expected my 2 year old threw herself on the ground, kicking and screaming in refusal. Once her yelling had died down, she then proceeded to sulk and roam around aimlessly, not knowing what to do with herself amidst the space and silence.

Moments later though, and too my surprise, her whimpering turned to laughter!

I looked to find that she had ascended her Father’s back, and had completely transformed him into a “Ca-BYYYYY-Oh!” (learning also, that if you kick him under the ribs that he will indeed, go faster!)

I watched as she squealed in delight, taking turns between riding him like a horse, and plopping into his lap to glide down his legs like they were a slide.

That day my daughter learned something new (and wildly entertaining) about her father! Something she may not have fully grasped about him, had she kept pouting, or the distractions been present.

We have the same opportunity, in each moment, and through each emotion, of this 30 day Challenge!

And while I hesitate to kick my Heavenly Father under the ribs (…though I secretly wish He would move faster!) I have found that it often takes quieting my distractions, and putting my ‘mess’ in it’s place. It takes adamantly deciding to quit questioning, quit kicking and screaming, and – for the LOVE – to quit sulking, so that I too, can learn more about my Father.

To learn something I had all wrong…

That while our circumstances are unquestionably bad, our God is forever good in spite of them.

While our emotions may change on a whim, that our God never will.

And while He often allows pain and uncertainty in this life to come, that we can be just as sure His goodness and perfect plan will follow suit.

So don’t be misled…

It’s not God’s fault.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Quit (And Why You Should To!)

I am an above average quitter. In my years, I have quit a variety of things, not limited to cheerleading, playing the flute, couponing, and subscribing to Netflix. 4 times!

I have also quit Jillian Michael’s Level 2 more than I’d like to publicly admit, and am known to quit checking my voice mails once the number gets too high (…currently there are 9!)

I also semi annually (Read: Every other week) consider quitting writing. Like, forever.

But this last week I quit something I will never regret.

It started when I avoided a phone call from my dad.

I knew he was just checking up on me, but I literally COULD NOT talk about this any longer – Not about my problems, not about what I feel I should do in the future, and/or when I should do it… Notta! Even small talk was out of the question!

“That’s exactly why I need to talk to you,” he responded, “I have an idea…”

He had my attention as he began to describe an intriguing idea that was as profound, as it was nutty.

… An idea to QUIT!

To throw your hands up, and give up! To quit talking, quit thinking, to even quit WRITING about my problems! …Don’t lie, you just let out a sigh of relief… And if it makes you feel better, I’m just as sick of hearing my sob story as you are! 😉

You see, people all over the world ‘fast’ from things like Facebook, vanilla lattes, or the likes of Salted Caramel Chocolate Covered Macadamia Nuts, but that night my Dad and I made a decision to fast… from our PROBLEMS!

Even further, we are asking BEGGING God to do a miracle in our lives in the next 30 days! Because boy, do we ever need one!

Every time our trials creep into our minds (which is on average every 23.6 seconds) we will do our best to stop thinking about it and give it to God and ask Him to work a miracle on our behalf…

Every time those closest to us check in and ask how we’re doing, to ask them instead, to lift us up in prayer every time they think to ask…

Every time the panic sets in, and our hearts get restless… when we can’t make sense of this mess and can’t help but question what God is doing… we will throw ourselves at the Lord’s feet each and every time, in hopes that by the end of the month we will see Him more clearly.

In James 1:5-6 it says, “If you need wisdom, ask our generous God and He will give it to you…”

It’s simple, just ask! And in my case, if you need 5 TRILLION TONS of wisdom ask over and over, every second of every day, for 30 days straight! 😉

It goes on to say, “…but when you ask Him be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver.”

The only requirement to gain the wisdom that we are so desperately searching for, is to trust IN GOD ALONE – Not in our common sense, (which I pride myself in) not in our preferences, our ability to ‘fix’ things, or make good decisions. Not in our closest friends, our parents, or our spouse. In Christ. PERIOD!

In the last couple months I have found this to be true, because while I have an amazing support system in my life (and equally amazing blog readers!) in spite of their undeniable love and support, constant phone calls, great advice and care packages, (Double Stuffed Oreos anyone?!) I am still just as stuck as I was before, and haven’t budged even in the slightest!

While I ultimately desire the life the Lord has for me – and while in the past I have followed Him devotedly – this current journey He has me on, has me traveling uncharted territory, out of my comfort zone, and even more, against my will! I am scared to death, and let’s be honest, if there were a ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card, I’d play it… Like, yesterday!

So the question is, if I’m up against the wall, with few options and even less hope…

if I’m paralyzed in fear and at the end of my rope…

Than seriously, why am I still trying?

Why not quit?

Why not give it to the one who is far more qualified to get me out of this blunder? The one who doesn’t tremble at the magnitude of the mountain I’m up against? The Lord isn’t surprised by the state of my life, He knew I’d be right here… right now… and that I’d want to puke! Even more, He knows when deliverance will be at my doorstep! (Here’s hoping it’s sooner rather than later!)

Our God is more than capable to do a miracle in 30 days!

… But will He?  That is the question!

One thing is certain, God can do more with our problem in 30 days than we can!

So join me in quitting….

Join me in putting our lofty dreams, big decisions, and looming deadlines on the back burner! To quit keeping ourselves up late into the night and talking ourselves TO DEATH in an attempt at doing this in our own strength! And instead give it to the Lord and ask Him to guide our every step – our every thought – for the next month!

And while I have no idea what is going to happen in the next 30 days – or even worse, what I’ll do if He doesn’t show up! (Don’t be surprised if in a month I post some bogus recipe for homemade laundry detergent or something!)

…I know that if I don’t take this leap of faith today, that at the very worst,  I will be exactly where I started yesterday.

And so I have nothing to lose…

I quit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“The Meltdown” A Memoir

It started around 9am, Just long enough for me to sit down with my cup of coffee and take a deep breath in the name of starting (yet another) day.

… And then it began.

Construction.

Those of you who know me, know that I am truly one of the most chill human beings. Like chill to the point that I don’t even flinch when my wedding was running 45 minutes late, or when my daughter eats potato chips off the pavement in NYC!

… But THIS. This loud drilling outside my window that was literally rattling every sq inch of my apartment had me struggling to hold it together!

I tried to stay calm, and tried with all my might to distract myself …when the drilling was in the living room, I looked at it as a great excuse to get some dishes done in the kitchen… When the drilling followed me into the kitchen, I moved into the bedroom to fold some clothes…

But without fail, the drilling followed me EVERYWHERE!!!!

I held my composure beautifully

… until nap-time!

If you aren’t familiar with this nap-time that I speak of, it’s the mom’s equivalent of ‘Girls Night’ minus the blood orange margaritas and the little black dress! Nap-time is oftentimes a mother’s only time to unwind, to feel human again (if only for a moment) and to simply do whatever the heck she wants! (Can I get an amen?!?!)

However today’s nap-time would be experiencing a ‘remix’ of sorts thanks to the drilling that was going on IN HER ROOM!  And while the ‘original nap-time tune’ was MUCH more to my liking (and may or may not have included watching reruns of Sex and the City and attempting to apply fake eyelashes…)  I embraced it as much as I could muster, and turned on every fan in an attempt to drown out the sound, and brought my daughter into my room to lay down with her.

As if on cue, once my daughter had finally fallen asleep (…and my hand literally felt like it was going to detach from my wrist from rubbing her back for so long…) the drilling began AGAIN!!!

This time

IN

MY

ROOM!!!!

Insert: Full blown meltdown.

It is during that meltdown – and somewhere between thrashing around, and violently punching pillows – that I screamed out in frustration and said these exact words out loud to God…

“WHY ARE YOU PUNISHING ME!?!?!”

As soon as the words left my lips, Him and I both knew I was talking about much more than just construction! The words I said were few, but loaded!

They confronted God head-on asking,

WHERE ARE YOU?

WHY DID YOU ALLOW my heart to be broken? 

I have followed you DEVOTEDLY, I have loved you PASSIONATELY… WHY would a “God of love” allow this to happen to ME?!

Though it was far from pretty, this was the first time (in a long time) that I had spoken directly to God. Like Reeeeeally spoken to Him!

You see, I had said my ‘please’ and ‘thank you’s’ and prayed before asking to pass the salt at dinner… I always bowed my head (without peeking) during church, and have thanked Him endlessly for the apartment He gave me… but even still, I had yet to confront God about the current state of my life – the seemingly irreparable state of my heart!

A little harmless construction was all it took for me to be truly honest with the Lord…

The question is, What’s it going to take for YOU to be honest with the Lord? 

Jesus says, “…Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28-19

Though we may not realize it, our God doesn’t turn away from our heartbreak, our tough questions, and at times our confrontational attitude. On the contrary, He invites it!

He goes even further to say (directly to only me of course, and to my current state of unwind)  “…Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your soul.”

Come to me… I will give you rest.

Let me teach you… I can be trusted.

I don’t know about you, but I so badly need rest… and even more, someone I can trust.

And though last week, we may have admirably decided to stop running FROM God, I realized that it’s just as much about running TO Him…

To throw yourself at His feet when life gets ‘noisy’ and problems arise at the most inopportune times. When there seems to be nowhere to escape, and problems seemingly follow you everywhere!

To come to Him, raw, messy, and unedited. Ask the tough questions. Scream. Cry. Demand answers. Punch Pillows, and say things that would get you kicked out of church!

Our God can handle it, ALL of it! No matter how ‘heavy’ the burden!

… And once our heart rate levels out and our voice lowers, (apologize to the pillow…) and let Him teach us.

Let Him teach us to love, to trust, and to pick up the broken pieces once again.

Let His strength take the weight that is crushing your spirit, the burden that each day threatens to tear the little you have left from your grasp. Let Him speak words of ‘gentlesness’ in a world that has unapologetically dealt it’s harshest hand. Let the God who was miraculously raised from the dead, work on your behalf to breathe life into your weary soul, and rebuild all that has been unfairly stripped away.

You see, it’s just as much about not running FROM God, as it is to decide – with every ounce we have left – to run TO Him!

For Our God can be trusted…

So the Lord must wait for you to come to Him so he can show you his love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for his help. -Isaiah 30:18

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stand Still, Stay Calm

I am an avid runner. I run with vigor and can run long distances effortlessly. I have been running for so long, that instinctively, I lace up my shoes and hit the pavement whenever life becomes too much.

Some run marathons, others run for leisure, I however, am much more skilled in running from God. (Which let me tell you has far fewer perks and my quads don’t look nearly as svelte!)

My long distance ‘runs’ have consisted of two cross country moves after bad breakups.  I have spontaneously called off plans, missed flights, and aimlessly run from uncertain future’s, overwhelming fears, and even bible college. (…Yes, I ran away from Bible college, and no, I don’t regret it!)

I have also been known to run TO things: family, friends, the latest and greatest self-help book promising ‘102 Ways To Get Your Life Back On Track.’ Even, Google!

My running has taken me everywhere, and yet it has succeeded in getting me absolutely nowhere.

I noticed I was ‘running’ again when just days after my world was rocked I already had my bags packed to go home, and had already ordered the said ‘self-help book’ to arrive just in time for my flight (a book that later, would interestingly enough be thrown against the wall 3 pages in!)

Around that time I made a decision.

I picked up the book that had just met my living room wall, dusted off the cover and murmured apologies to the author as I tucked it out of reach, and into the back of my dresser.

I wouldn’t be needing it…

I wanted God himself to speak to me.

Though many before me have gone through what I am currently going through and possibly even have stories of victory that may be encouraging, while that book could have inspired me to write an especially doting review on Amazon (had I finished it )I wanted to hear HIM. For good or for bad, I almost demanded it!

And when He spoke I made a promise that I would take note of every. single. thing. that He said. (And in 40 days, he has only said one thing!)

One thing over and over…

Stand still.

Stay Calm.

The Lord will rescue YOU.

You may recognize this from the verse I used in a post earlier this year. “…Don’t be afraid. just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today… The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.” Exodus 14:13

This verse speaks to the uncontrollable restlessness in my heart, the emotions that change on a whim and the desire deep within to bolt out the door, book the next flight and escape it all!

In those moments it’s something to hold onto, an answer to give the most lingering questions. A motto, if you will. And on a rough day, an ultimatum even.

…Stand still. Stay Calm. The Lord will rescue me…

When I need answers now, and my lack of guarantees has me wanting to run for the hills, I will stand still and wait.

When I have been left questioning every decision I have ever made, every lie I have endured…  when I can’t see out of this mess, and the odds are stacked against me… When I feel like I just can’t risk it because I am already treading water… I will stay calm.

Whether today gets better, or worse. Whether the answers we receive are the ones we have been longing for, or the ones we most dread, our God promises to rescue us today. Possibly even better, He promises when tomorrow comes, that He will rescue us then too! ( And the next day…and the next day… )

We need only stand still, and stay calm.

***As for my desire to run, I have decided to put it to better use and attempt a 5k this spring. I figure if I am even half as good as I am at running from God, then I will probably be twice as good as I think! 🙂

God Is So Good Even When Life Isn’t (…He Blew My Flippin’ Mind!)

The ultimate prayer warrior stood before me. It seemed like her prayers always got answered, and whenever any of us needed some ‘extra help’ with the man upstairs, instinctively we always went to her. It’s like he heard her better, like after so many years of following him devotedly that she had earned some sort of special rewards program with God, where instead of a free pastry, she received blessing over every word she raised to him.

In her time she had prayed over lost library books, ‘boo-boo’s,’ and for favorable scores during standardized testing. She had fervently been on her knees after deaths, divorces, and amidst the most concerning health scares…

But today she wanted to know how she could pray for me!

“I just need an apartment… without mice” I noted.

My grandmother stared blankly at me. There was no denying I needed prayer for MUCH more than that, and she knew very well that my life had recently experienced a few ‘hiccups’ (that is to say, if ‘hiccups’ look more like violent convulsions in which one spontaneously foams at the mouth!) Even more, she knew that I desperately needed God to show up in my life, and that it would take much more than a mouse-less roof over my head!

But it was a start, and she humored me regardless, “What would you like this apartment to be like then?”

I smiled. Unfortunately this wasn’t McDonalds it was New York City. And while my heart might skip a beat for a glamorous apartment in a prime location, instead I pay a fortune for my one bedroom apartment above a Jewish Deli. An apartment where the heat and hot water stop working in the middle of a snow storm, the mice run ramped, and the landlord doesn’t call back.

“An elevator would be nice…” my mother chimed in.

I rolled my eyes while my grandma quickly scribbled the addition onto her sheet of paper. Nice, yes… likely in my budget, no!

“You want to be close to the store? Maybe have a nice view out your window?” My grandmother continued to question, jotting down each as she went, “Oh! You would love a nice kitchen wouldn’t you?”

My heart sank at the thought… I would LOVE a nice kitchen. My thoughts then flashed to my 19.8 Cubic ft. french door stainless steel refrigerator with automatic ice maker that I had back home…

I quickly snapped back to reality, wondering where they were going with this.

As I lifted my coffee mug to my mouth my mother continued, “…She definitely needs a two bedroom!”

I nearly spit my coffee out at the absurdity, knowing that a two bedroom would NEVER be something I could afford! Not in this city, and not by a long shot!

…But then God blew my flippin’ mind!

He blew Nehemiah’s mind too!

Nehemiah was a man who had just received news that the walls of Jerusalem had been destroyed, leaving the city unprotected and in ruins. He was a lot like us… discouraged, overwhelmed, and desperately in need of the Lord’s favor in his life.

And after many days weeping, Nehemiah decided to go and rebuild that which was broken. He knew he couldn’t do it on his own, and he cried out to God for help!

“O Lord, please hear my prayer! Listen to the prayers of those who delight in honoring you. Please grant me success today by making the king favorable to me…” Nehemiah 1:11

Nehemiah told God exactly what he needed (in his case the approval from the king to leave, and in mine, an apartment void of rodents!) And while he would have been content with just that, God had SO much more in store…

In the end, not only did the king grant his request, he also went as far to send officers to protect Nehemiah on his journey to Jerusalem.  Even further, Nehemiah was provided all the supplies needed to rebuild the walls of Jerusalem entirely, and even enough to build himself a house!

Nehemiah goes on to say that all of these blessings happened “… because the gracious hand of God was on me.” (vs.8)

Now if you are anything like me, you desperately need the gracious hand of God on you…

You look at the ruins that are left of your life, and momentarily question if it’s even possible to rebuild this kind of devastation.

You wonder, even if you knew God could, if your heart can sustain the brutal journey ahead.

I am with you…

Yet today we can rest in the comfort that our God will meet us in our hopelessness, the same way he did for Nehemiah. That He will himself, provide protection for the long journey ahead, and will supply everything needed to restore all that is broken.

This week I am happy to say that God met me in my circumstances and granted my sincere request for an apartment (WITHOUT MICE…)

Not only that but HE BLEW MY FLIPPIN’ MIND and gave me more than I could have ever hoped for when He provided: (*please note that I am screaming while I type this!!!)

–   A TWO-BEDROOM APARTMENT

–   With an ELEVATOR

–   Directly ACROSS THE STREET from the STORE

–   With a BALCONY (With the above picture as my VIEW)

–   And a beautiful kitchen complete with… are you ready for this?… a 19.8 CUBIC FT. FRENCH DOOR STAINLESS STEEL REFRIGERATOR COMPLETE WITH AUTOMATIC ICE MAKER!!!!!

No really, you can’t make this stuff up!

And while my new apartment doesn’t change my circumstances, I am reminded that the God who provided me with it, CAN!

That while I am still paralyzed in fear at the future, I can find comfort knowing that just like Nehemiah, God will provide everything that is needed to rebuild what is broken, and offer His unparalleled protection over my heart until then.

And maybe just maybe, there is a teeny tiny part of me that is curious to see what He has up His sleeve next…

(Maybe.) 

… And it’s all because the ‘gracious hand of God was on me.’